My favorite part about Nick Jr is the blurb in the very beginning of the episode. I love that they tell me how this TV program is good for my kid. You know, “watching this episode will teach social skills, teamwork and problem solving.” It’s the little bit of cold comfort I need to not feel guilty for letting my kids watch TV so I can do normal human things like shower, cook dinner, write this article or maybe even vacuum the curtains. (okay, maybe I need better hobbies). As much as I love these “healthy” viewing options for my children, sometimes I end up joining them for all the drama and poorly developed character’s escapades. It’s important to share something with them they enjoy while simultaneously making sure these programs live up to their lofty billing. Now that I’ve solidified my rational for watching cartoons as an adult, I’d like to advocate you enhance your tolerance for the insipid with a glass of wine or two.
Below I’ve laid out a somewhat fanciful pairing guide for the shows I’ve come to not hate:
1. Peppa Pig – Sparkling Rosé: I think Sparkling Rose is the perfect choice here. It’s pink and prissy just like the impetuous title character. If I thought it wouldn’t scar my kids for life, I’d make a suckling pig for Christmas and call her Peppa. If it wasn’t for the cute British accent she’d be along the lines of Calliou. She’s whiney, she’s bossy, and she constantly fat shames Daddy Pig. Poor Daddy Pig, I swear he’s going to snap one day. Thanks to Peppa my kid hasn’t missed a muddy puddle in his short three years of life “but mummy I’m wearing my boots” go on then child. So drink some Rose while your kids watch Peppa be a brat and you look up baked ham recipes.
2. Calliou – Petite Sirah California: Petite Sirah is known for having some of the highest Alcohol by Volume and trust me you’re going to need it with this show. This kid is awful. I blame his parents. I’m not normally a mom shamer but seriously who names their kid that and doesn’t expect them to be a brat? I’ve watched this show once and banned it from our house. If this is your kids favorite show, I’m so sorry but I did find you a wine that’s known for being full bodied to help numb the pain and your ear lobes.
3. Paw Patrol – Pinot Grigio: Truth be told, I like Paw Patrol. A few more female pups wouldn’t hurt but the show isn’t terrible. Consider Mayor Goodway for a minute. She is a total hot mess. She must be a lush right? Do you know any sober person who keeps a “purse chicken”? If I had to guess, I’d say she chugs Pinot Grigio like water when the pups aren’t watching. Join her and laugh along with the absurdity that she must be doing something right to secure the funding for multiple doggie jetpacks and flying and floating vehicles galore.
4. Daniel Tiger – Chardonnay: Every time Daniel talks about his feelings take a sip of Chardonnay. I’m just kidding don’t do this, you’ll die; but Chardonnay of any kind is a great way to hide your emotions. Nothing too sweet the show is saccharin enough already. Do however drink enough so those damn catchy tunes won’t stick in your head for years to come. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to the bathroom in the last two years and I’ve sang “If you have to go potty, stop and go right away. Flush and Wash and be on your way.” Then there is my husband, when I ask him for any sort of help that I can do anyway he belts out “try to solve the problem yourself and you’ll feel proud.” Good advice for your children but poor communication in the marriage. Just sip enough so your brain won’t commit those catchy tunes to long term memory.
5. Mickey Mouse Club House –Lambrusco: I can’t be the only mom who wants a hot dog every time this show is on? How exactly did Mickey start singing about hot dogs in the first place? Pair your non-fancy dinner with this unique libation. A classic oddity of the wine world, this rich Italian red with bubbles exemplifies an absurdity perfectly matched by Goofy’s antics. Both are pleasant reminders of the joy derived from little quirks in life.